Hello, I'm the Doctor
by AspieSays
Summary: Things get frustrating when the Doctor accidently implodes a new form of psychograft inadvertently, which results in some body-swapping. When you think you've seen the back of something...
1. Chapter 1

Implosion

**Author's Notes:** Yes, he still has the fluffy lizard. Ten/Martha; and Martha would argue Ten/Alonso the lizard, except the lizard is platonic. See other story for background on Donna's worst nightmare, Alonso, the fluffy lizard.

* * *

The Doctor blinked.

His head was fuzzy.

He looked around. Then he spotted the remains of the machine. It was still buzzing slightly, it had obviously blown aparty with some force. He looked around for Donna. It was so dank in here. Why did they always choose the worst caves for this sort of set-up?

How long had he been out for? Damn, he was supposed to pick up Martha. Ah, well that was the advantage of having the TARDIS.

He reached up to feel his head. Nothing too serious. But something wasn't right. He heard something scurry towards him.

"Oh, look at you! You clever thing!"

He reached out for Alonso, but the lizard hissed and spat at him.

"It's me! I'm sorry about the explosion, I really-"

The lizard hissed a second time.

"Be that way! I'll try again when you've calmed down."

He felt his head again. What?

"OI!" a voice bellowed from further down the cave.

"Can I just ask, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO?"

A figure came striding into view. A very familiar figure.

"WHAT THE HELL IS _THIS_!"

He looked up and saw, if he was not mistaken, himself.

The lizard squeaked with delight and climbed up the Doctor's leg. Except-

"Oh! Get off! It thinks I'm you!"

"You don't say! At least I get to be ginger for a bit-" 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Author's Notes:** In which the switch affects the Doctor more than he thought it would; and Tish noseys in on Martha's love life.

"Are you sure this one compresses to death less?"

"For the hundredth time; yes-if-at-all!"

"And the lizard spends an awful lot of time rubbing itself against my leg. Your leg. Anyway how is this different from the meta-crisis?"

The Doctor smiled.

"One, it's a different format, and two, we've swapped, it's not cumulative, it should be fine... you know, once you get used to moving."

"What does this thing eat?"

She saw her own eyes look distinctly hurt.

"It's a he. And he just eats anything, mostly good cat food, though, the nice ones with the real pieces of fish in them and things. I stocked up on it. It's not bad."

"Does Martha know you eat cat food?"

"One, I was just testing it, two, she was there, and three, I tested the dog's food, too. THE DOG!"

"Oh, great."

"Oh, he'll be fine. Keep them separate, they get jealous. Like hu-"

"Stop. Now."

"Joking. Anyway, we better get started on that, unless you want to start it in the morning? I'll have to go gallivanting for parts anyway, probably end up with a whole new one, but there we are."

"Talking of food- d'you mind? Wait, what d'you mean, we? Yeah, obviously I'm the expert on..."

"Er...we've been consciously- as in of the consciousness, consciousness-ly sounds a bit stupid- transferred? The lines are blurred- I'll need to you sit there in case, I don't know...I can't remember a piece of information that might still be there," he pointed at his own head, which had a distinctly disgruntled expression.

"Sounds riveting," came the reply.

"Oh, don't scowl!"

-

Martha jumped as her mobile went off; she had been in deep conversation with her sister, who needed some support after catching sight of their father with no clothes on when she dropped round to see their mother. Martha was just glad they no longer wanted to kill each other, and wasn't glad of a description.

"Hello? Oh hello, Don-what? Repeat that! Well, can you fix it?"

Tish looked bemused as Martha grinned like an idiot. "I see, so where are you? No harm done? Oh, you pair of-I'll see you later."

"What was that?"

"Oh the Doctor's blown something up again," she said casually. "Are you sure it was him?"

"Am I sure it was him? Yes, I'm sure it was him! No, it was the plumber...!"

Martha pulled a face. " I get the point!"

"And another thing- I thought you and Tom'd ended it?"

"We have."

"Someone new. Finally. When can I meet him?"

"You can't!"

"Why not?"

"I...don't remember his name."

"Oh, I see...so.."

"Hold on- oh, thanks for telling me-"

"What? It was obvious from a distance you were busy, I could hear you from the front door. Wish I'd thought of that for my housewarming."

Martha sighed.

"Stop. Now."

"Fine!"

"It's not something I do on a regular basis, Tish."

"I believe you."

-

"What the hell are you wearing?"

"What? What's wrong with it?"

"Look at the state of you."

"Look, I can't be bothered, all right? I've never been a woman before and one's going to see me!"

"I'm not going to talk to you if you're going to be like that!"

"Bugger off, I'm working, if I need you're help, I will ask for it! AND I LIKE THIS DRESS!"

"Whoa, whoa, hormonal!"

"D'you want me to fix this? Sit there and shut up! I had to flirt with the salesman to get these, which is something I never want to have to do again, and...and, shut up!"

"At least I'm not a geeky tart in tight trousers- how do you breathe in these, anyway? Wait, what d'you mean, flirt with the-"

Donna saw her own hair swish around.

"Excuse me, Miss Loudmouth, d'you mind shutting up?"

"Suits me!" she turned around and sat with her arms folded, her back to the Doctor, who was muttering something about Donna's hands being annoying.

"THIS IS WHY THEY'RE ILLEGAL!" he shrieked suddenly. He got up and ran away, bawling dramatically.

Donna stared after him, dumbfounded.

She heard a lot of banging- he was obviously throwing things around the TARDIS. She just sat and listened for a few minutes.

"We've officially crossed into Strangetown, now."

She wandered down the tunnel for a few hundred yards, and gingerly opened the door.

She caught sight of him. Their eyes met, and he ran at her.

"I HATE YOU!" he announced and flounced away, slamming a door behind him.

She eventually found him under her bed.

"GO AWAY!"

"I take it this is apart of the-"

"D'YOU THINK?" her own voice shouted from under the bed.

"Come out, come on-"

"NO!"

"Right, I'll leave it for now, but tomorrow, we have to keep on fixing it."

"MAKE ME!"

Donna sighed angrily. "Trust me, I will."

There was a few seconds of silence , and then he began to sob again, like a wronged teenager. Donna shook her head; it was so surreal listening to herself cry.

"STUPID THING!"

"I can't fix it by myself, can I?"

"FINE! I'LL DO IT LATER!"

This was going to be fun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Author's Notes:** Alonso and the Master interfere. Background to the Master's new self etc in my other stories, all my AU.

"You'd think you'd be used to it by now."

"Yeah, but I've never actually been _in_ your body, you prawn. Honestly."

"These are illegal on every civilised planet. I'll fix it and mostly likely, blow it up again, safely," he added seeing his own eyes glare back at him.

"But, it's going to take a while, I mean, look-" he pointed at the machine, and took a second to pull a face at Donna's manicured hands.

"Oi!"

"First things first, go put Alonso back in the TARDIS, it's one less thing to deal with."

"I'm not touching the lizard!"

"Er...don't have choice? He thinks-understandably-that that's me, he keeps hissing whenever-"

The Doctor reached out for the lizard and is hissed frantically.

"See? Since I'm you, and he doesn't like you. Mostly because _you_ don't like_ him_."

"I'm not thick!"

"Then go and put the damn thing back in its basket, then!"

The Doctor watched himself gingerly picking up Alonso, and walk away with a distinctly disgusted look on his face.

He looked down and began to acclimatise to having a slightly different centre of gravity. And other things.

"Don't you touch those!" a voice echoed.

"Don't flatter yourself!"

He scrambled up and walked over to the mass of burnt metal which was the remains of the psychograft.

"Fabulous."

-

Martha got another strange call from the Doctor, who was ranting reminiscent of herself as a miffed teenager down the phone. Repeatedly Martha had to remind herself she was talking to him and not to Donna, inevitably. The switch had sent hormones haywire and the Doctor's biology was obviously not keen.

The Master had caught wind of the predicament, and repeatedly tried to get as much humour out the situation as possible. He visited the cave several times and spent time winding the Doctor up, delayed the process considerably, as the Doctor kept reacting in a similar way as he had before.

He got a shock when the Doctor turned up at his office, still Donna, and threw a glass of water over his head. Altered, he might be, but the Master was still a mischievous thing when he wanted to be, and very annoying.

Martha tried her best to find it amusing, but that resulted in the Doctor hanging up on her; after telling her, not so politely, to go away and stop bloody laughing at him. She was still almost blushing when she reminded herself that Tish had heard the goings on at her new flat housewarming- she took full advantage of the Doctor actually wanting to stay in one place- well he had a reason that he deemed extremely necessary.


	4. Chapter 4

"Will you walk the dog?"

"No, I will not walk the dog."

The hormonal changes had begun to affect Donna too, and their conversations had begun to circumnavigate.

"Why not? You want me to fix this don't you? Go walk the dog?"

"Where am I supposed to walk it to? Into a dark cave? I don't think so!"

"One, it's a he and two, walk him up and down there where the TARDIS is, throw his ball or something, I dunno, take him around the TARDIS... or something... use your imagination!"

"And why the hell are they here, they're just laughing at us!"

The Doctor's finger pointed towards the TARDIS, where Martha was making lunch, including using a doughnut machine the Doctor had recently fixed. She and Jack, who had ben called when one argument had got out of hand and the Doctor proceeded to chase Donna around with a water gun for four hours, playing a game of hide and seek in the TARDIS that UNIT would have been proud of as a reconnaissance mission. It took the two of them to get him off her, when he'd proceeded to pin her down and squirt the water gun in her mouth.

Having split them up, one of them had walloped Jack as hard as they could around the face and doused Martha in cold water, swearing loudly. Martha assumed it was the Doctor, as he was still worse off. She'd put some music on while he fixed the psychograft, and he calmed down somewhat, bobbing Donna's head along to the music, which Donna found highly irritating and watched him, scowling, admittedly not that much more herself.

"It's funny!" The Doctor replied, flashing Donna her own cheeky grin.

"D'you want doughnuts or not?"

"Bring it on!"

"You suck, this is all your fault!"

"Oh, that's helping, arse!"

"I'll walk the dog!" Martha appeared and handed them sandwiches.

"Chill out!"

"Easy for you!"

Martha sighed resignedly.

"Eat the sandwiches, the doughnuts are in a bag in the TARDIS, Jack is guarding them."

"Guarding them?"

"'You think you're funny? We're not bloody kids."

"Beg to differ. I'll walk the dog."

Martha ran for her life, and the Doctor growled loudly at her retreating figure.

Donna rolled his eyes.

"Oh, so you're a dog now?"

He just made a barking noise and continued too fiddle with wires.

-

A few hours later, they wandered back to the console room and proceeded to eat the doughnuts, arguing profusely, obviously.

Donna tried to take one the Doctor was holding; he didn't find it amusing and yelled loudly, making Donna jump and drop it.

"I HATE YOU!"

Martha watched them intently, thinking exactly what to say to avoid making it worse, but that seemed to be everything.

"YOU SUCK!"

Jack was also keeping a distance. Every time he approached them, he began to get comments about him being a sexist pig, in very loud voices, so he stayed back.

"YOU RUIN EVERYTHING!" Martha heard the Doctor's voice screech.

"STOP TOUCHING ME THEN!" came the reply.

"Take it we aren't getting any then?"

"Very likely to certain," replied Martha darkly.

"OI! WE CAN HEAR YOU YOU KNOW, MISS THING?" came the reply.

"OI! WHO'D D'YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO, SPACEMAN?"

"MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, BIG MOUTH!"

Martha covered her face with her hands.

Jack smiled.

"It'll all be over soon, and they're not doing any harm. Well, serious harm-"

"OI! SMUG GIT!" The Doctor yelled. "YEAH, YOU, FACE OF BOE! BE QUIET!"

"This is rapidly becoming less and less amusing."

"WE CAN SEE HOW HARD THIS IS FOR YOU!" the Doctor retorted.

"YOU'RE UPSETTING PEOPLE, SHUT IT!"

"STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!"

"THEN STOP BEING A TIT, THEN!"

"He doesn't mean it," Martha said calmly. "It's just so loud! You can't reason with them when they're like this! I thought my mum and dad were bad enough! I'm going to bed, just leave them. I doubt they'll kill each other. You can't die, so you can keep watch, if you want."

"OH BLOODY HELL!"

"SEE, YOU'VE UPSET HER NOW!"

"OH, GET FU-"

Jack sighed.

"I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU! TYPICAL MAN!"

"How the hell would you know? Well, I'm not shagging anyone while I'm you, I draw the line there. I don't think Martha would appreciate the gesture!"

"Oh, ha, ha!"

-

None of them got much sleep. The Doctor spent a few more hours on the DIY psychograft. Donna fell asleep on the seat in the console room.

The shouting kept waking Martha up; she found Donna was interfering in the Doctor's repair job and he was distictly and excessively offended by her comment that he should just buy one, so he screamed and flounced away. Again.

"DRAMA QUEEN!"

-

Donna had hit a nerve. Twice. The next morning, he caught sight of Martha in her nightie, and had to turn away. He also couldn't bear being around Donna any more. The thought that she thought one could buy a psychograft easily made him want scream again. As did the frustration at how he reacted to Martha, but every time he tried to talk to anyone, he ended up making a huge fuss again, despite himself. This was why he'd been so awake, he could barely breathe from sobbing, both from the frustration and the shame, as well as cringing listening to someone else's expression of pain, coming from himself.

Martha put her arm around him and watched him intently. It was making him delirious and she could see it. She felt Donna's head. He didn't seem to be overheating at least.

She handed him a glass of water; he took it, and wandered out of the console room. Donna had fallen asleep on the seat again. As he walked past, he gave his own leg a hard kick.

The Doctor's head popped up, considered reacting, sighed wearily and slumped backwards again, not before giving her own back a rude hand gesture.

Martha knelt down and checked the Doctor's body aswell, it wasn't overheating either.

"He kicked me!" a voice said sadly in the darkness, like a child who'd been picked on.

"How close is he to fixing it?"

"How should I know, he won't tell me nothin'!" The Doctor's voice moaned.

"Me neither," Martha said gently. She patted the Doctor's hand softly and walked away.

For an hour it was calm, and then Jack walked past and woke Donna up, accidently, and got thumped again. He got thumped a second time by Martha who was _very_ impressed with his common sense.


End file.
